I remember the first time I held my son after He was born. In that moment, everything around me faded, much like the fade-to-black moments in a Malcolm in the middle episode. it was just me and him, Father and son. Although My love was instant, the realization that I had no clue what the hell I was doing, and was now responsible for his wellbeing, set in fast. Needless to say, I was terrified!
At the time, My partner and I were in a transition period in our lives. We had just moved back to Georgia from Kentucky after the hardest year of my life, and we were trying to get back on our feet. I was 26 years Old, living with my parents, and searching for a job. I had no money and absolutely no idea how I was going to raise a child when I couldn’t even see a clear path ahead for myself. But as I sat there staring into my Son’s beautiful face, I made him a promise That I would give him the best life that I possibly could, no matter what it cost to make it happen. Did I know how I was going to do that? Hell no! I felt like a failure at that point of my life, but I knew that giving into fear of the unknown wouldn’t help either one of us.
You might be asking, “John, what does this story have to do with your books?” Well, allow me to continue, and hopefully the connection will make sense.
When I published The fire Beneath Azura and held the book in my hands for the first time, it was reminiscent of the day I held my son over twelve years ago. And let me be clear, I’m not talking about the emotional connection. Nothing will ever come close to the love I have for my Son. What I’m referring to is the feelings of anxiety, doubt, and fear. In spite of my excitement, I couldn’t help but wonder: What if I fuck this up?
If we’re honest with ourselves, None of us really know what the hell we are doing. And if you say you do, I don’t believe you. Regardless of the plans we make and the dreams we have, life has a tendency to take us along roads we never imagined we would travel. But one thing I’ve realized throughout my life so far, is that those roads, especially the ones we never intended to take, shape us in the deepest ways. And as we sit at the crossroads those paths bring us to, we are forced to choose between turning back to what we know is safe, or continuing into the unknown.
I’ve never published a book and I feel like I am learning something new every single day. With that comes frustration, as well as accomplishment. But Right now, I am in the unknown, and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I’m taking it one day at a time, giving myself some grace, and finding comfort in the fact that I have no idea what I am doing!
